update

I haven't been on here in a while  I don't even know why I try writing in this its like an online journal that everyone can read lol. not sure how comfortable I am with the world knowing my feelings. what can I do now its up there and ppl have read it.so the question is do I keep writing or do I delete this whole blog? what do u ppl think? 

Maybe its me

I don't have very many friends and the ones i consider friends are slowly disappearing. Maybe that's because I have changed. I don't want to deal with childish shit anymore or stupidity. I'm sick of all the drama that comes with having friends I have enough going on in my own life I don't need to deal with your repeat mistakes. I'm like "Holy Fuck" how many times can the same person make the same mistakes before they man up to their choices. I may seem selfish because I'm being honest about being sick of dealing with the same BS from the same people for years. I'm drawing my line. I'll be the bad guy go ahead tell the world how mean I am and make sure not to let people know how bad of a person you really are. Have fun in your fake world of lies. I'm better off with less people in my life. The truth is you changed into an evil egotistical self absorbed bunch of bitches and I don't need people like that in my life. I have no issue cutting people out of my life when they have done me wrong. This may make me look like a heartless bitch but the truth is I cared more then you did for me and I'm sick of these one sided friendships. I'm cutting off this life line you burned the last part of this bridge learn to live with that. Peace out!











Thanks for reading my blog feel free to comment or send some suggestions on things you would like to see me talk about comment on here or facebook.

talking to myself

This blog kinda makes me feel like a crazy person talking to herself. the funny thing is that it helps me to vent even if no one reads it or comments on it. I'm not sure why it helps I'm just happy it does. I so badly want to be happy with everything in my life but I'm not there yet there are a lot of unfinished things and unanswered questions and things that are out of my control. I feel like time is working against me. I get older and all the things i thought i would have accomplished at my age just haven't happened and don't seem to be within my reach at this time. Isn't it funny as a kid/teen you think of what you want to do as an adult and make all these plans and goals but then as an adult you just wish you could go back to being a kid. No ones dreams will ever come 100% true but i was hoping a few of mine would by now. I love my kids and my boyfriend and I am happy I have them in my life so don't take this as I am unhappy with them I am unhappy with myself for giving up or forgetting about the things i planed for myself and not sticking with them. So in the long run the only person to blame for anything is myself. so until next time my lovely readers peace out. 

The scar

Loneliness is like a scar it's always there to remind u that it will happen again. Love and happiness are intense at first but they fade and their potency lessens over time and then the dramatic feelings of worry and loneliness rush back like water threatening to drown you in your own life's problems. No matter how hard you cling to the love and happiness it slips thru your fingers you don't even see it happening until it's too late. That scar of loneliness haunts u and rears its ugly head in your weakest moments in life. As you worry about things it lingers waiting for you to break.

I try to make my loved ones happy but I fail over and over. My biggest problem is I have a picture in my head of how I want things to be but I can never get my real life to look like that happy picture. I'm at the point in my life where I just want to give up on ever having the life I want. Maybe my happy ending wasn't ment to be.

Upside Down and Inside Out!

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do everything in your life is all messed up. Then just as you think everything is going great you find out you were so wrong. My life is good for the most part but it seems like all the little things that are going wrong are adding up and ganging up against me. I try to make people happy and that doesn't seem to work so I decide to just do what I think is right and that is wrong too. I don't know how to make everything just go back to before these problems all ganged up on me. It feels like I am trapped in a glass box watching everything I love and care about fall apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Maybe I'm not destined to be happy and have the things I want. Maybe all I can do  is watch it burn down and hope something can rise from the ashes. I hate not being in control and this is the worst feeling to me. Some days it's like I'm all alone and no one understands me. Other days I try to reach out and talk to people but they are all too wrapped up in their own lives, problems and joys to stop and truly listen. The one person I do talk to takes everything I say so personally that the conversation ends up in an argument or they just shut down and don't say anything. Any other time in my life I would have just thru in the towel and said the hell with all this and ran away but I don't want that now I have this overwhelming urge to make it all right. Like this life is the one worth fighting for. All my life I have been searching for a life and people I really wanted and now I have found all that but I seem to have to fight so much harder to make it work. I guess the best things in life a worth fighting for. I just hope one day all the fighting pays off and my life can go back to the way I want it to be. I know life isn't perfect but I just want less stress and more happiness for all people involved in my life. So to wishful thinking I guess. Well enough of all this. So until next time my lovely's Peace Out!

Oh if you want check me out on Movie Pilot 

Alone

Alone is a word that has a deeper meaning then its definition truly explains. Alone can be a feeling not just the absence of another person or thing. Alone can be the fact that you think differently then others or when your opinions are different then others. Alone can mean deceit from people you thought cared. So when someone says they are alone don't make them feel bad for feeling that way even when you are around maybe it is something you did or didn't do that is making that person feel alone. I am alone in many ways my beliefs and opinions aren't always accepted or considered "mainstream" but I am OK with this "weirdness" and being alone. Being what everyone wants me to be never worked well for me. I was always at my happiest being myself even if that meant I stood out and I had to stand alone most the time. Being alone like that is a good thing in my eyes. If people developed their own thoughts on things instead of doing what everyone told them was "right" or what was expected maybe people wouldn't feel bullied or scared by people different then them. I know I don't stand alone in this but not many around me can say they believe what they believe out of there own choice most of them were taught to think a certain way and never had the guts to go against that. If that's the way you want to live your life so be it but don't get mad when the rest of the world doesn't do the same. We can be alone in our beliefs we don't have to follow other peoples standards. We are individuals that means we are the only one, we are alone. I am not using the word alone in a bad way here it should empower you as an individual to follow your dreams and don't let others bring you down. Always fight for what you believe in but in this fight consider this everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs no matter how weird or crazy they seem to you it is their right as a human being to think on their own. I am not bad mouthing anyone in this post I am not saying any one person is better then another all I am saying is we are all alone in one way or another and maybe it is time to be more understanding and less judgmental for a change. We may be alone but we are together as humans and nothing can change that.

A Glimpse in My Head

My thoughts run wild I worry when I shouldn't I insist people verbalize how they feel to me. My mind is a weird place to be especially when all the little things I hold in build into a crazy monster and take over my whole life for a few days. Sometimes I hate being able to read people because when there is something wrong with them I automatically think it is something I have done and I feel I need to fix it. I want to be happy and normal but that will never happen. I will have those days that I just want to cry my eyes out alone in my room. I put on a strong face for the world to see I don't like the world to know that things get to me. Well you can know things get to me but I won't let you see what or when they do. I am proud of being a strong woman and no one needs to see me cry. Life is a struggle when you are always fighting with your own thoughts and worries but I manage I still make sure my kids are taken care of  and my home is clean. I don't consider myself depressed I'm just me and this is how I am. Living with the way I am is my choice and I handle things my own way. I love my family and I only care about keeping them happy the rest of the world can Fuck off for all I care. I have friends I consider family and my boyfriends family is included too. The worse part of being they way I am is after I have my down days it is hard for me to go back to normal I feel like everyone I love doesn't feel the same for me after they see me that way. It is a hard feeling to shake. I just hope they all understand the way I am and accept me for me. I know there are ups and downs in life and I accept and deal with them as they come as best as I can. I just hope that my loved ones will stay by my side and not think of me differently after the ups and downs of life happen. I am happier today with the direction of my life then I have ever been before. I am not saying that my life is easier now or that I don't have problems. I am just happier with the people in my life and the promise of the future to come. It is a hard thing for me to be optimistic because I am a negative person most the time but I am optimistic about my future and I will fight to stay that way. I am fighting with myself about posting this for the world to see. A large part of me wants to delete this whole thing and pretend I never even thought about posting something so reveling about myself but I want to show that I am strong enough to man up to the "crazy" person I am proud of being. So comments are welcome and until next time my lovely readers Peace Out!

Bridges A Flame

My last blog might have been a little hurtful to some people. I want you all to know I no longer will be handing out advice to those I don't think can handle it. So I hope you the best in your lives and I hope the lies the fake people in your live give you make you happy. I am happy with my life and I am happy to say I found the one person in the world that truly loves me for me and I love him for him. I hope all my friends the same happiness in their lives no matter what they need to get it. I just want everyone to know that I tried my best for many years to be a honest friend that would tell you like it is even if that may hurt you. Does that sound like a bad or good thing to you? Well if you are the one that said it was a bad thing you are in luck because I am done giving you my unwanted advice and support. All I have ever did was try to make you realize that you are great in your own way and that you should never let others take that away from you. I have watched many of you let people bring you down or watch you lie to yourself about who and what you are, and when I gave you my much needed advice and support you took advantage of it or you turned your back. We are still friends but things have changed between all of us. This blog my seem a little dramatic to some but it is my honest opinion and views on everything. No one is perfect but you can only let people walk on you for so long before you can't take it any more. Bridges are on fire and on the verge of being burnt and I have no intentions of putting out the flames. This is not the next chapter in my life this is the end of that story and the beginning of a brand new book. Goodbye to all the fake people hello to the unknown. Whoever tags along I won't stop but that doesn't mean you belong here remember that. Think of all the things in the past that we have done for each other and how one sided it was. I never expected anyone to give as much as me I just wish you didn't take as much as you did. I have said this before and I will say it again I can not continue to help people that can't help themselves. Every time I think I helped you out of a hole you dig a new one and dive in head first. You are your own worst enemy and until you can learn to help yourself stop running around with your hand out. I am not the only person that feels this way and other people will get sick of helping you if you don't grow up. We are not kids anymore I can't fight your battles anymore so from now on only start battles you know you can win. I truly love my friends but like they say"if you love something let it go". You're free from my "judgment" and "bitching" as you so nicely like to put it and if that's what my friendship is to u then why are you my friend? Think long and hard before you comment on this or anything I post on FB because unless you want the world to know who you are and you want to man up and take credit for your wrong doings then don't comment. You can call me out on whatever you want but you better be honest because if you spread lies about me then that burning bridge will become our battleground and we will go down in flames together. Good Luck! Peace out thanks for reading.

WTF

WTF WTF WTF

I wish I could write all the things that are in my head but if I did then everyone would be mad at me and hate me. I don't care if people don't like me I just don't feel like listening to people defend their stupid ass decisions. I make mistakes but I don't blame everyone else for them. Some people in my life drive me up a damn wall most the time. I am so sick of being the bad guy because I can't help when you need it or because you ask my opinion on something then you don't like what I have to say. WTF people don't talk to no more I don't give a crap anymore. I'm sick of the stupidity of humans and how shallow people really are. I'm not dumb enough to fall for your guilt trips or to give you pity because you feel sorry for yourself. Grow up take responsibility for your actions and your decisions, stop expecting everything to be handed to you. Work for what you want and cherish what you need! I can't help people that won't help themselves. If you are not willing to work for things and try to help yourself then how do you expect others to help you. All you are doing is bringing the people that care about you down with you, and if you are ok with that or that is what you want then you are a pathetic waste of life. I try to be nice but I have come to the conclusion that people don't listen when I am nice so I'm gonna continue to be the bitch that I am very good at being and tell shit like it is. Anyone that is reading this that knows me knows I only have a few friends and most the time those few friends are too wrapped up in their BS drama that they can't get their heads out of their ass long enough to see that maybe they should approach life differently if the want something better in life. The funny thing about this is the people I really want to read this won't because they don't want to hear the truth so they never read my blog. I used to go out of my way to hang out with some of my closest friends until I realized it was a one way street that they don't visit me unless they need stuff or want to talk about their own BS but as soon as I start talking about something about myself they turn it back around so the conversation is all about them. I hope you get mad at me for the things I say because then you know how I feel and how shitty of people you guys really are. I don't care how many so called friends you might have but if they think you are the greatest friend in the world then either they have very shitty friends, or they are lying to you or the most likely thing is they don't really know you. I care deeply for my family and friends and I put their need above mine. You have no needs but your own and you claim to care but in the end it is all about how something can benefit you. I have offered to talk about our problems I have offered to help budget your finances to help you out I have been there when you needed a shoulder to cry on, now look back at all the ways I have tried to help make your life better and you just spit in my face then when your life is shit again you come to me for my help fuck you get yourself out of it without me this time and only then will you realize I wasn't being mean I was honest and tried to help you now that help is gone. The bridge is on fire and I don't know how to stop you from burning the last bridge you have to walk on. Good Luck!

Confrontational

I guess that's the best word to describe myself other then calling myself a bitch. I know I am confrontational and I know I say things I probably should't but I am better now then I used to be does that count for anything. I try to keep most my "drama" away from home. I have a happy life with my family and I don't let some FB drama ruin my day. Most the time that people say I start drama I'm just being honest with people then they get mad because they didn't want to hear the truth they wanted someone to powder their butts and tell them everything is gonna get better. Well, I;m not the right person to be friends with if you want false sympathy. Also, if someone attacks me on your FB and I defend myself don't get pissed and say I started that drama I was just defending myself. When I comment on peoples stuff it is directed towards that person or whatever person I tagged in it the rest of the readers can ignore it for all I care. I started this blog because my posts on FB were offending too many people. Why are people scared to be honest about whats going on. I encourage all my friends to write whatever they are feeling even if those feelings pertain to something I did on FB. I want for everyone on my FB to know why I say or do the "mean" things I do. Once you hear my side of the story you will understand, you may not agree but you will understand why I do things the way I do. Sugar coating things and giving false sympathy isn't helping people with their troubles. If you ask my advice be prepared for the harsh truths of life. I know when to be nice about harsh truths but I will never sugar coat it. We are not children that need to be pampered we are adults that need to face reality no matter how cruel are painful reality may be. The world seems like a wonderful place and it can be once you learn to accept that pain, loss, and heartache are all part of it. You will live past low points in your life as long as you don't dwell on the what ifs and what might be's in your life. Move on and make the most of what you have. All of us need someone in our lives that will be honest even if that honesty hurts or causes fights. I am that person to my friends and I know I have a few friends that are 100% honest with me most the time lol. I will give advice to anyone that asks for it but just remember that my honesty can be mean and you may not be ready for the truth. Also if you don't want your dirty laundry on FB then don't make statuses that call out your own dirty laundry. How are people on FB supposed to know what not to say to vague ass status updates damn be more specific.I may be confrontational but I try to get along with people for the most part. I give everyone the chance to get to know me as I get to know them before I decide if I like them. I just want people to tell me straight up if they like me or not don't be all nice to my face and then talk crap behind my back. What does that accomplish? I don't have very many people I hang out with because I come off a little intimidating (well thats what I'm told anyway). Also I don't like letting people get too close to me because then that gives people the chance to screw me over and I don't trust easily. I have lost countless friends because they didn't want to hear what I had to say or they have screwed me over and I won't give them another chance to do that. So I am happy with the few people in my life I may bitch about them but no one gets along 100% of the time. So I will speak my mind and be who I am. So until next time Peace Out! If anything I say in my blog offends, enlightens, or just intrigues you please comment I would love to talk further on that. 

Haters Gonna Hate

I have the worst luck with people. Well I guess I wouldn't say it that way I guess I mean people can't handle me very well lol. I don't care if every person on my FB deleted me right now I would just be like WTF and then move on. Don't get me wrong I care about my friends and family but I don't need social media to care about the people I care about, but social media makes keeping in touch easier that's why I use it. Anyway I got a little side tracked there, if you decide to delete me and block me on FB with no explanation I'm thinking maybe you weren't my friend to begin with. Also, its nice to talk crap about me to my friends because then I get to hear about how much of a two faced jerk you really are. I hate that I try to give advice and listen when people need someone to talk then get stabbed in the back. Anything bad I have ever said about my friends to anyone I have said to their faces I'm not scared of confrontation. I tell people like it is sometimes I may word it different so it doesn't come out so hurtful but in the end I say what I feel. People need to hear the truth even if it hurts them. I am not perfect by any means and I encourage my friends to be honest with me even if it is something I may not want to hear at the time but one point I need to hear it. To all you people that talk crap behind my back grow a pair and say that shit to my face. Also I'm sick of all these half truths that you all throw around. You are just telling the parts of the story that make you look good WTF. I'm not mad I am just sick of people coming to me saying oh so and so said this about you or look at these screenshots of a conversation I had with some bitch that likes to run her mouth behind your back. Why do people have to talk shit behind my back am I that scary that they can't say it to me? If so then right on I am a scary bitch my work here is done lol. FB is like high school its all drama and sometimes funny or crazy stuff happens. So as long as things are entertaining I'll keep my FB and keep sharing memories with people that actually have lives other then just starting drama and making out with their cats because they can't keep a man and no one in their right mind wants a bitch that sounds like a pug with asthma when she breaths. Oops, started to rant a little there hehehehe. What I really want to do is write the names of all the people that have pissed me off here lately and enlist anyone that reads this to make those peoples life a living hell but I won't because I like having this blog and my FB and I don't want to get deleted. So I guess I'll be a good girl and keep my cool until the time comes and these people actually try to talk to me then I can let them hear how I really feel about them. So to all my readers thanks again for reading my crazy blog and keep coming back. feel free to share this on any social media that you have I would love for EVERYONE to read my blog. So until next time Peace Out! 

I'm Crazy

I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or tell me I;m not crazy. I know I am crazy I feel everyone is a little crazy in their own way. I live in this fantasy of how I think things should be and how they actually are. Everyone wants their happily ever after but no one told you that you will have to work your ass off to get it. I'm happy with where my life is right now, is it perfect, no not at all. I have bills I can't pay and my kids can be brats most the time but I love my kids and my boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriend, I am so in love with my boyfriend but I worry 24/7 that I am gonna loose him. See my happily ever after is a little askew. Worry is a major part of why I know I'm crazy I worry about things more then most people do. I feel that I need to know whats going on with everyone around me. Not in a gossip kind of way, I just need control and when things are not under my control I feel a little stressed. I love my family and I love having them around me but I get stressed out easily when things don't go as planned most the time I hold my composure but sometimes I loose it and can't hold my cool. I'm just happy I have friends and family that stick around even after they see me loose my cool and look like a crazy person. Back to my worrying, I worry about things all the time they eat away at me. Nothing is guaranteed in this world. I know worrying about things wont make it any better and believe me I am working hard on not worrying about things that are out of my hands and just enjoy the here and now. This is a hard task for me especially when it has to do with relationships. The happier I am the more worried I seem to be. For example I have never loved someone as much as Nic (I know you are thinking "OMG shut up about your man already" but this is the best description for my worry) yet I worry all the time that I'm not good enough for him and that when he finds a girl better then me my whole world will come crumbling down and I'll loose him forever. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever I just have this worry in the back of my head that eats away at me until I start thinking it may happen. I also worry that I'm not a good enough parent I try my hardest to do what I can for my kids yet I feel like its never enough. (That may be a fear of most parents lol) Life is just full of worries for me yet I don't let those worries stop me from getting and doing the things I want. If I let this stop me from doing or having all these things then I wouldn't have a life. I want to live my life to the fullest. This means my life will be full of failures and disappointments but also great adventures and amazing moments and memories. Think of it this way what if you could meet your true love I mean the love of your life your soul mate, but the catch is you can only spend one year together before they would die. Would you still want to meet that person? I know I would because that would be the best year of my life and ever moment we spend together will stay with me forever and the worry of loosing that person wouldn't matter in those moments. The fear and worry I have suck but I wouldn't give up anything in my life because of that worry or fear. I love all my family and friends and hope you all do the amazing things that scare you and make you worry because I know I will and am. well until next time Peace Out!

Memories

Do you ever think of those movies from when you were younger that just ripped your heart out every time you watched them yet you watched them over and over? I have a few movies that as a teen I watched a million times and each time I watched them I was on the verge of tears by the end. Two movies I can think of right off the top of my head that still make me feel that way as an adult,

they are The Crow (1994) staring Brandon Lee and Foxfire (1996) staring Angelina Jolie. I absolutely loved these movies and still to this day I tear up watching them. These movies also hold a lot of memories. Between 1994-1998 I have some crazy good memories. Back then I thought I had the greatest friends and I felt like I didn't have a worry in the world. These movies hold all the feelings I was feeling then. I have owned these movies multiple times yet they always come up missing so I go out and buy them again cuz I just love them that much. It is crazy how a movie can hold such meaning to someone. It is just a bunch of actors playing a role it's not real yet it hurts the same when something sad happens. I love movies and music very much. They are the two things in the world that bring up memories the most when I watch/listen to them. We cling to the best memories in our lives but it seems only the worst memories stick out the most. I feel like the good memories need more triggers then bad ones. Bad memories haunt us with no trigger needed but good memories always come to us when we see, smell, hear, or feel something that makes our brains jump to the time in our lives when something amazing happened. These two movies may bring tears to my eyes when I watch them but they bring so many good memories that it is worth the sadness that comes with the stories. So my readers what movies/ music or other things trigger those good memories for you? What's your favorite genre of movies/music? Leave me some comments and share my blog with everyone. Thanks for reading and until next time Peace Out ☮ 

High and mighty parents

I hate parents that think they are better then other parents because they raise their kids different then each other. I also hate parents that think their kids are perfect little angels that can do no wrong. Who the hell do you think you are. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Being a parent is different for every child because each child is an individual and their needs very. It's a hit and miss game that you will never get 100% right. I will never judge someone on their parenting skills unless they are harming the children in some way. Just like some people aren't cut out to be parents but don't realize it until they pop out a kid. You shouldn't force people to take care of children they don't want they will take it out on the kid. Enough about that it's a whole different topic. I'm far from perfect but I'm trying my hardest to be the best parent I can. No one has the right to judge or criticize me. I also hate parents that act like they are the best parents but they never have their kids with them or always have someone watching the kids. I understand getting a sitter for when you're at work or you need a break and want to go out one night but not all the time. I really hate parents that deny the other parent visitation time with their kid when both parents are good parents and want to be in their child's life. Joint custody should always be awarded when both parents are capable and want to be in their kids lives. Now dead beat parents are a whole other story lol. I love all my kids very much and I love my lil family no matter how messed up and weird it may seem to others we are all happy. So till next time peace out.

Oh I know this post may sound judging but I don't care cuz it's my blog lol

I found my true love

I have the greatest boyfriend in the world. I have never loved someone as much as I love this man. Everyday I'm thankful to have found him. He is the sweetest, sexiest, caring, funny, amazing person I have ever met. I'm so happy to be spending the rest of my life with this man. The best part is he feels the same for me as I do him. All my life all I wanted is to have a family of my own and be happy. Together we make a whole family ( a family of 6 lol ). Apart we were just halves lost in life, together we are a whole found in each others embrace. I know we will have ups and downs but we communicate so well that I know we will make it thru anything that is thrown at us. All the things I thought were important in my past have somehow merged with his and together we have changed into the people we were always meant to be. Don't take that wrong we have not asked each other to change in anyway shape or form we truly love each other just the way we are and that is the best feeling I have ever felt. I have been in a few relationships but none of them have felt this right before. I think all my choices in life have brought us together so I do not regret anything. I am happy, happier then can be! I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Together we will take on the world. I love you Nic DeBeneditto and that will never change.

Life

There is a million things I could/should be doing yet all I want to do is write in this blog. About what you may ask, I don't know. I just sometimes get the urge to write and yet ideas rush thru my head until I sit and start typing. Why does this happen? I could be outside on this nice day doing stuff,"what stuff?", I'm not sure because I am not in the mood to be around people right now. I have had a head ache from all the things going thru my brain I don't want to talk about it but sometimes talking helps. Well writing helps because I don't have to say anything to actually get my feelings and  thoughts across. If I try to talk to people I end up crying or getting interrupted which defeats the whole purpose. So here I go I guess..........................

I worry all the time that everything I cherish will be ripped away from me. I know that is a fear everyone has but I let this fear rule a lot of my behavior which I know is unhealthy. I am working hard at making my family a whole and keeping the best people in my life while eliminating the ones that don't really care. More and more I am distancing myself from all the things I have done in my past that I do not want to repeat. I'm done with all the childish bullshit that for so long ruled my life. My family is my number one and always has been. I have a great boyfriend that cares for me and my children as much as I care for him and his son. I have moved back to the area that I have always referred to as my home. The area that my father lives in and I have some great and crazy memories of. Never growing up did I ever think I would want to live in this area, but I do. It may not be the best place in the world but it is my place of comfort. I am happier now then I have ever been and it is thanks to my boyfriend Nic he is amazing. All of this greatness in my life has a shadow in the background thou. I moved on with my life and in the wake of all this I lost a very dear friend. He died and I feel like I should have did more for him, to help him out of the rut he had gotten himself in. I keep beating myself up thinking of all the "what ifs" but none of that will bring him back. So I decided to write about it and hopefully relieve myself of some of this guilt I feel. Deep down I know none of it was my fault but I have always been the person that beats themselves up over the "what ifs". After my friends memorial service I went out with friends thinking that would make me feel better but it didn't. I just wish I would have went home and been alone with my boyfriend. I had a good time going out but the whole time I was thinking "I shouldn't be having fun I should be grieving my loss". I will never make that mistake again. That "fun" night is forever remembered with the death of my friend and the tears I shed that day.  I have friends I really do and I know they have the best intentions in mind when they try to help me but it doesn't always work out that way. All their hugs and warm sentiments don't help me with my problems. My Friends are always there for me when I need them but they don't know how to not be there when I don't need them. I bet you any money they will take this whole thing as an insult and be worried I am mad at them in one way or another. They are too sensitive. I am far from sensitive. I believe in tough love and telling people like it is. I also adore my alone time (which my friends like to intrude on most times). I am different that's the only way I can describe it and people have a hard time understanding my actions. Enough about my friends............. Everyone just need to know I am happy with my life and I know how to take care of myself. Space is what I need and it is what I have here. I do not run from my problems because all my problems have followed me but I have a new perspective on them and it looks so much more manageable from here. So until next time stay cool and leave me some comments people google+ is not the enemy lol.

Ups and Downs of Friendship

I have very few friends for very good reasons, but having very few friends means when someone dies or moves away you have even less. I don't trust easily or let people in without really getting to know them and even then I am not completely an open book. I don't make friends easily. The friends I have I have known for years, A LOT of years. We go thru ups and downs together and I am grateful for my friends because I am not an easy person to deal with. I am honest but sometimes my honesty comes off rude and judging. I don't judge everyone has the right to make their own decisions but if you ask my opinion about something I tell you exactly how I feel about it. Sometimes my opinion causes fights between my friends and myself but we never fight for long. I am always there for my friends and they are considered family in my eyes, but if you fuck me over too many times I will tell you were to go and forgiving I may do easy but getting my trust back is another thing. When I say I am done with someone that's it. That means I gave you countless times to make it up to me and all you have done is dug your grave. I am not a nice person I am also hard on people. That's because I feel people don't learn from kindness people need that firm hand in life that will be brutally honest with them and I have no problem filling those shoes. No one ever babied me nothing was ever handed to me and I feel like I'm a stronger person for that. People that have had everything handed to them don't know how to live on their own (truly on there own). I'm not saying these people haven't went thru hard times I'm saying that when life gets hard they turn to others to make it easier. Most my friends are like this and they don't even realize it. All my friends have went thru hard times in one way or another, I mean harder situations then most people could handle, they are all strong in their own ways. All my friends are helpful to me in one way or another. I feel like I am the mother type to my friends. I am the one that tells them that was a stupid idea while I let them cry it off on my shoulder. So as hard on my friends as I am they know I care and that I am the way I am and it all makes sense in the end. I'm not a religious person by know means (some of my friends are) yet I believe in astrology and I believe no matter what religion you are YOU have the power to change things. No matter what "GOD" you may or may not believe in we should all be understanding to each others beliefs. How does this have anything to do with my friends you may ask well my friends and I are of all different backgrounds and yet we never fight about religion, race, sexual preference, or any other thing that keeps people separated. We are who we are and we just accept each other as we are. Family isn't always blood it is love for people that may be different then you and that not mattering. So to all the people I call my true friends I love you and thank you for dealing with my crazy all these years. 

I Don't Handle Loss Well

I LOST MY FRIEND TODAY! 

R.I.P. Darrick Flippo

I lost my friend today and I don't know what to do. I have not cried yet only because I have kept myself busy and kept my mind off it. But the day will come and I will break down. I don't think people understood how much I cared for Darrick. He was my friend but there was more to us only he understood it so it is pointless to explain it. It wasn't romantic love but it wasn't like brother sister either. It was more then all that. Oh well I don't like talking about all this so I'm gonna end this by saying........... Whatever is on the other side for us I know I will see you there because only a place full of my friends would I want to be. See you in the next life. Love you my dear friend!

If you want to help fund his funeral please click the link below or share it with others thank you so much for any support

Final arrangements

You Can't Fix Stupid

WHY?

Why ask for my advice if you are just going to ignore it? Sometimes I think people do things just because they know it won't work out. It's like they need the drama in their life or something. I am not that type of person! When someone talks to me about something I am straightforward and honest about the subject. Sugar coating things won't help the problem it only hides it under a sugar coated lie. Sensitive people shouldn't ask for my advice on things because if you are being stupid about things I will tell you that you are being dumb with no hesitation. My friends should know this by now yet they are surprised when I tell them the brutal honest truth. I know that anyone that is on my FB is gonna be like "OMG she is bitching about this again" as you roll your eyes but no matter how many times I talk about this people don't seem to grasp how mean my honesty can seem. So my question is, WHY come to me for advice? You can't handle what I say, you are always upset by my advice and comments. I have to come to realize I am a pretty good judge of character, meaning I can tell what a person is like by knowing very little about them. I know that sounds judging but it's not I give everyone a chance to prove me wrong. I will be honest with my friends about how I feel about their significant others or their friends they introduce me to and 9 times out of 10 my first impression is the right one. So with a track record of 9 out of 10 you would think people would listen to me a little more when they ask my advice about people. They don't thou then I am the shoulder they cry on and they get pissed when I say "told you so". I don't do sappy comfort well I'm more of a "man up and move on" kind of person. Dwelling on the past doesn't fix things. Picking yourself up and proving that you are the strong one is the best solution. Don't let someone else be in control of your happiness! I'm not saying that I don't cry or let things get to me but I don't let it control my life or dictate my actions. I never punish others for what one person has done to me. Mistakes many make is putting your "guard" up and punishing others for what one person did. Everyone is their own person don't make them pay for the actions of others. This all may make me sound like a hard ass but in reality I'm a hopeless romantic that has amazing dreams of how life, love, and happiness should be. I just don't see the need to show my "soft" side to the world. Weakness is not an option in my book. be careful who you show your weaknesses because people will exploit them and then you are just a gullible dumb ass. Gullible is an insult in my book just like being called a sheep. If I ever use these words to describe you then know they are insults in my book. I'm not getting too much into those words because it will stir up fights with people of different beliefs and thats not what I want. So I am gonna end on the note, Thanks for reading Peace out people until next time.

Control!

I sometimes let the littlest things get to me. I worry about things I have no control over. I don't know how to just stop thinking about things and move on. Once my mind is set on something it's almost impossible to change my mind. This can be a good thing but most the time it's a bad thing. I push people away and alienate myself from the world just so I can be alone with my thoughts. When I do this is when people seem to bug me the most. I don't understand why people can't just stop asking "are you ok" or "do you wanna talk about it". NO! I don't want to talk about it because it's none of your business. So I'll just blog and vent it's not like anyone ever comments because it's so hard to make a Google+ account so that you can. I don't care if I have a million comments or none. I'm not doing this blog for you guys I'm doing it for me. All of this is why I only have a few friends (oh and the fact that I don't trust ppl) and I don't even talk to them half the time about my problems. I have the tendency to work things out in my head and on paper/online. Whatever works right? Lol well peace out online people until next time.