Life

There is a million things I could/should be doing yet all I want to do is write in this blog. About what you may ask, I don't know. I just sometimes get the urge to write and yet ideas rush thru my head until I sit and start typing. Why does this happen? I could be outside on this nice day doing stuff,"what stuff?", I'm not sure because I am not in the mood to be around people right now. I have had a head ache from all the things going thru my brain I don't want to talk about it but sometimes talking helps. Well writing helps because I don't have to say anything to actually get my feelings and  thoughts across. If I try to talk to people I end up crying or getting interrupted which defeats the whole purpose. So here I go I guess..........................

I worry all the time that everything I cherish will be ripped away from me. I know that is a fear everyone has but I let this fear rule a lot of my behavior which I know is unhealthy. I am working hard at making my family a whole and keeping the best people in my life while eliminating the ones that don't really care. More and more I am distancing myself from all the things I have done in my past that I do not want to repeat. I'm done with all the childish bullshit that for so long ruled my life. My family is my number one and always has been. I have a great boyfriend that cares for me and my children as much as I care for him and his son. I have moved back to the area that I have always referred to as my home. The area that my father lives in and I have some great and crazy memories of. Never growing up did I ever think I would want to live in this area, but I do. It may not be the best place in the world but it is my place of comfort. I am happier now then I have ever been and it is thanks to my boyfriend Nic he is amazing. All of this greatness in my life has a shadow in the background thou. I moved on with my life and in the wake of all this I lost a very dear friend. He died and I feel like I should have did more for him, to help him out of the rut he had gotten himself in. I keep beating myself up thinking of all the "what ifs" but none of that will bring him back. So I decided to write about it and hopefully relieve myself of some of this guilt I feel. Deep down I know none of it was my fault but I have always been the person that beats themselves up over the "what ifs". After my friends memorial service I went out with friends thinking that would make me feel better but it didn't. I just wish I would have went home and been alone with my boyfriend. I had a good time going out but the whole time I was thinking "I shouldn't be having fun I should be grieving my loss". I will never make that mistake again. That "fun" night is forever remembered with the death of my friend and the tears I shed that day.  I have friends I really do and I know they have the best intentions in mind when they try to help me but it doesn't always work out that way. All their hugs and warm sentiments don't help me with my problems. My Friends are always there for me when I need them but they don't know how to not be there when I don't need them. I bet you any money they will take this whole thing as an insult and be worried I am mad at them in one way or another. They are too sensitive. I am far from sensitive. I believe in tough love and telling people like it is. I also adore my alone time (which my friends like to intrude on most times). I am different that's the only way I can describe it and people have a hard time understanding my actions. Enough about my friends............. Everyone just need to know I am happy with my life and I know how to take care of myself. Space is what I need and it is what I have here. I do not run from my problems because all my problems have followed me but I have a new perspective on them and it looks so much more manageable from here. So until next time stay cool and leave me some comments people google+ is not the enemy lol.