Upside Down and Inside Out!

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do everything in your life is all messed up. Then just as you think everything is going great you find out you were so wrong. My life is good for the most part but it seems like all the little things that are going wrong are adding up and ganging up against me. I try to make people happy and that doesn't seem to work so I decide to just do what I think is right and that is wrong too. I don't know how to make everything just go back to before these problems all ganged up on me. It feels like I am trapped in a glass box watching everything I love and care about fall apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Maybe I'm not destined to be happy and have the things I want. Maybe all I can do  is watch it burn down and hope something can rise from the ashes. I hate not being in control and this is the worst feeling to me. Some days it's like I'm all alone and no one understands me. Other days I try to reach out and talk to people but they are all too wrapped up in their own lives, problems and joys to stop and truly listen. The one person I do talk to takes everything I say so personally that the conversation ends up in an argument or they just shut down and don't say anything. Any other time in my life I would have just thru in the towel and said the hell with all this and ran away but I don't want that now I have this overwhelming urge to make it all right. Like this life is the one worth fighting for. All my life I have been searching for a life and people I really wanted and now I have found all that but I seem to have to fight so much harder to make it work. I guess the best things in life a worth fighting for. I just hope one day all the fighting pays off and my life can go back to the way I want it to be. I know life isn't perfect but I just want less stress and more happiness for all people involved in my life. So to wishful thinking I guess. Well enough of all this. So until next time my lovely's Peace Out!

Oh if you want check me out on Movie Pilot 

A Glimpse in My Head

My thoughts run wild I worry when I shouldn't I insist people verbalize how they feel to me. My mind is a weird place to be especially when all the little things I hold in build into a crazy monster and take over my whole life for a few days. Sometimes I hate being able to read people because when there is something wrong with them I automatically think it is something I have done and I feel I need to fix it. I want to be happy and normal but that will never happen. I will have those days that I just want to cry my eyes out alone in my room. I put on a strong face for the world to see I don't like the world to know that things get to me. Well you can know things get to me but I won't let you see what or when they do. I am proud of being a strong woman and no one needs to see me cry. Life is a struggle when you are always fighting with your own thoughts and worries but I manage I still make sure my kids are taken care of  and my home is clean. I don't consider myself depressed I'm just me and this is how I am. Living with the way I am is my choice and I handle things my own way. I love my family and I only care about keeping them happy the rest of the world can Fuck off for all I care. I have friends I consider family and my boyfriends family is included too. The worse part of being they way I am is after I have my down days it is hard for me to go back to normal I feel like everyone I love doesn't feel the same for me after they see me that way. It is a hard feeling to shake. I just hope they all understand the way I am and accept me for me. I know there are ups and downs in life and I accept and deal with them as they come as best as I can. I just hope that my loved ones will stay by my side and not think of me differently after the ups and downs of life happen. I am happier today with the direction of my life then I have ever been before. I am not saying that my life is easier now or that I don't have problems. I am just happier with the people in my life and the promise of the future to come. It is a hard thing for me to be optimistic because I am a negative person most the time but I am optimistic about my future and I will fight to stay that way. I am fighting with myself about posting this for the world to see. A large part of me wants to delete this whole thing and pretend I never even thought about posting something so reveling about myself but I want to show that I am strong enough to man up to the "crazy" person I am proud of being. So comments are welcome and until next time my lovely readers Peace Out!

I'm Crazy

I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or tell me I;m not crazy. I know I am crazy I feel everyone is a little crazy in their own way. I live in this fantasy of how I think things should be and how they actually are. Everyone wants their happily ever after but no one told you that you will have to work your ass off to get it. I'm happy with where my life is right now, is it perfect, no not at all. I have bills I can't pay and my kids can be brats most the time but I love my kids and my boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriend, I am so in love with my boyfriend but I worry 24/7 that I am gonna loose him. See my happily ever after is a little askew. Worry is a major part of why I know I'm crazy I worry about things more then most people do. I feel that I need to know whats going on with everyone around me. Not in a gossip kind of way, I just need control and when things are not under my control I feel a little stressed. I love my family and I love having them around me but I get stressed out easily when things don't go as planned most the time I hold my composure but sometimes I loose it and can't hold my cool. I'm just happy I have friends and family that stick around even after they see me loose my cool and look like a crazy person. Back to my worrying, I worry about things all the time they eat away at me. Nothing is guaranteed in this world. I know worrying about things wont make it any better and believe me I am working hard on not worrying about things that are out of my hands and just enjoy the here and now. This is a hard task for me especially when it has to do with relationships. The happier I am the more worried I seem to be. For example I have never loved someone as much as Nic (I know you are thinking "OMG shut up about your man already" but this is the best description for my worry) yet I worry all the time that I'm not good enough for him and that when he finds a girl better then me my whole world will come crumbling down and I'll loose him forever. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever I just have this worry in the back of my head that eats away at me until I start thinking it may happen. I also worry that I'm not a good enough parent I try my hardest to do what I can for my kids yet I feel like its never enough. (That may be a fear of most parents lol) Life is just full of worries for me yet I don't let those worries stop me from getting and doing the things I want. If I let this stop me from doing or having all these things then I wouldn't have a life. I want to live my life to the fullest. This means my life will be full of failures and disappointments but also great adventures and amazing moments and memories. Think of it this way what if you could meet your true love I mean the love of your life your soul mate, but the catch is you can only spend one year together before they would die. Would you still want to meet that person? I know I would because that would be the best year of my life and ever moment we spend together will stay with me forever and the worry of loosing that person wouldn't matter in those moments. The fear and worry I have suck but I wouldn't give up anything in my life because of that worry or fear. I love all my family and friends and hope you all do the amazing things that scare you and make you worry because I know I will and am. well until next time Peace Out!

I found my true love

I have the greatest boyfriend in the world. I have never loved someone as much as I love this man. Everyday I'm thankful to have found him. He is the sweetest, sexiest, caring, funny, amazing person I have ever met. I'm so happy to be spending the rest of my life with this man. The best part is he feels the same for me as I do him. All my life all I wanted is to have a family of my own and be happy. Together we make a whole family ( a family of 6 lol ). Apart we were just halves lost in life, together we are a whole found in each others embrace. I know we will have ups and downs but we communicate so well that I know we will make it thru anything that is thrown at us. All the things I thought were important in my past have somehow merged with his and together we have changed into the people we were always meant to be. Don't take that wrong we have not asked each other to change in anyway shape or form we truly love each other just the way we are and that is the best feeling I have ever felt. I have been in a few relationships but none of them have felt this right before. I think all my choices in life have brought us together so I do not regret anything. I am happy, happier then can be! I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Together we will take on the world. I love you Nic DeBeneditto and that will never change.

Ups and Downs of Friendship

I have very few friends for very good reasons, but having very few friends means when someone dies or moves away you have even less. I don't trust easily or let people in without really getting to know them and even then I am not completely an open book. I don't make friends easily. The friends I have I have known for years, A LOT of years. We go thru ups and downs together and I am grateful for my friends because I am not an easy person to deal with. I am honest but sometimes my honesty comes off rude and judging. I don't judge everyone has the right to make their own decisions but if you ask my opinion about something I tell you exactly how I feel about it. Sometimes my opinion causes fights between my friends and myself but we never fight for long. I am always there for my friends and they are considered family in my eyes, but if you fuck me over too many times I will tell you were to go and forgiving I may do easy but getting my trust back is another thing. When I say I am done with someone that's it. That means I gave you countless times to make it up to me and all you have done is dug your grave. I am not a nice person I am also hard on people. That's because I feel people don't learn from kindness people need that firm hand in life that will be brutally honest with them and I have no problem filling those shoes. No one ever babied me nothing was ever handed to me and I feel like I'm a stronger person for that. People that have had everything handed to them don't know how to live on their own (truly on there own). I'm not saying these people haven't went thru hard times I'm saying that when life gets hard they turn to others to make it easier. Most my friends are like this and they don't even realize it. All my friends have went thru hard times in one way or another, I mean harder situations then most people could handle, they are all strong in their own ways. All my friends are helpful to me in one way or another. I feel like I am the mother type to my friends. I am the one that tells them that was a stupid idea while I let them cry it off on my shoulder. So as hard on my friends as I am they know I care and that I am the way I am and it all makes sense in the end. I'm not a religious person by know means (some of my friends are) yet I believe in astrology and I believe no matter what religion you are YOU have the power to change things. No matter what "GOD" you may or may not believe in we should all be understanding to each others beliefs. How does this have anything to do with my friends you may ask well my friends and I are of all different backgrounds and yet we never fight about religion, race, sexual preference, or any other thing that keeps people separated. We are who we are and we just accept each other as we are. Family isn't always blood it is love for people that may be different then you and that not mattering. So to all the people I call my true friends I love you and thank you for dealing with my crazy all these years. 

What to talk about?

I sure could use some feedback from the people that read this. Of course there is only like 2 people that read this lmao. Oh well what do you few want me to blog about? I haven't had anything to rant about in the last few days. My life is going well with my boyfriend and things are on track, for the most part, with my kids. I love my lil family I have now well I guess 6 isn't a lil family lol. 4 kid 2 adults but I love all of them and wouldn't trade them for the world. I haven't really talked to to many off my friends. They all have crazy shit going on. Sick family members and bad breakups. I just try to be supportive without getting in the middle of things. Well that's all for now stay cool and comment away people.