I'm Crazy

I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or tell me I;m not crazy. I know I am crazy I feel everyone is a little crazy in their own way. I live in this fantasy of how I think things should be and how they actually are. Everyone wants their happily ever after but no one told you that you will have to work your ass off to get it. I'm happy with where my life is right now, is it perfect, no not at all. I have bills I can't pay and my kids can be brats most the time but I love my kids and my boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriend, I am so in love with my boyfriend but I worry 24/7 that I am gonna loose him. See my happily ever after is a little askew. Worry is a major part of why I know I'm crazy I worry about things more then most people do. I feel that I need to know whats going on with everyone around me. Not in a gossip kind of way, I just need control and when things are not under my control I feel a little stressed. I love my family and I love having them around me but I get stressed out easily when things don't go as planned most the time I hold my composure but sometimes I loose it and can't hold my cool. I'm just happy I have friends and family that stick around even after they see me loose my cool and look like a crazy person. Back to my worrying, I worry about things all the time they eat away at me. Nothing is guaranteed in this world. I know worrying about things wont make it any better and believe me I am working hard on not worrying about things that are out of my hands and just enjoy the here and now. This is a hard task for me especially when it has to do with relationships. The happier I am the more worried I seem to be. For example I have never loved someone as much as Nic (I know you are thinking "OMG shut up about your man already" but this is the best description for my worry) yet I worry all the time that I'm not good enough for him and that when he finds a girl better then me my whole world will come crumbling down and I'll loose him forever. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever I just have this worry in the back of my head that eats away at me until I start thinking it may happen. I also worry that I'm not a good enough parent I try my hardest to do what I can for my kids yet I feel like its never enough. (That may be a fear of most parents lol) Life is just full of worries for me yet I don't let those worries stop me from getting and doing the things I want. If I let this stop me from doing or having all these things then I wouldn't have a life. I want to live my life to the fullest. This means my life will be full of failures and disappointments but also great adventures and amazing moments and memories. Think of it this way what if you could meet your true love I mean the love of your life your soul mate, but the catch is you can only spend one year together before they would die. Would you still want to meet that person? I know I would because that would be the best year of my life and ever moment we spend together will stay with me forever and the worry of loosing that person wouldn't matter in those moments. The fear and worry I have suck but I wouldn't give up anything in my life because of that worry or fear. I love all my family and friends and hope you all do the amazing things that scare you and make you worry because I know I will and am. well until next time Peace Out!

I found my true love

I have the greatest boyfriend in the world. I have never loved someone as much as I love this man. Everyday I'm thankful to have found him. He is the sweetest, sexiest, caring, funny, amazing person I have ever met. I'm so happy to be spending the rest of my life with this man. The best part is he feels the same for me as I do him. All my life all I wanted is to have a family of my own and be happy. Together we make a whole family ( a family of 6 lol ). Apart we were just halves lost in life, together we are a whole found in each others embrace. I know we will have ups and downs but we communicate so well that I know we will make it thru anything that is thrown at us. All the things I thought were important in my past have somehow merged with his and together we have changed into the people we were always meant to be. Don't take that wrong we have not asked each other to change in anyway shape or form we truly love each other just the way we are and that is the best feeling I have ever felt. I have been in a few relationships but none of them have felt this right before. I think all my choices in life have brought us together so I do not regret anything. I am happy, happier then can be! I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Together we will take on the world. I love you Nic DeBeneditto and that will never change.

Life

There is a million things I could/should be doing yet all I want to do is write in this blog. About what you may ask, I don't know. I just sometimes get the urge to write and yet ideas rush thru my head until I sit and start typing. Why does this happen? I could be outside on this nice day doing stuff,"what stuff?", I'm not sure because I am not in the mood to be around people right now. I have had a head ache from all the things going thru my brain I don't want to talk about it but sometimes talking helps. Well writing helps because I don't have to say anything to actually get my feelings and  thoughts across. If I try to talk to people I end up crying or getting interrupted which defeats the whole purpose. So here I go I guess..........................

I worry all the time that everything I cherish will be ripped away from me. I know that is a fear everyone has but I let this fear rule a lot of my behavior which I know is unhealthy. I am working hard at making my family a whole and keeping the best people in my life while eliminating the ones that don't really care. More and more I am distancing myself from all the things I have done in my past that I do not want to repeat. I'm done with all the childish bullshit that for so long ruled my life. My family is my number one and always has been. I have a great boyfriend that cares for me and my children as much as I care for him and his son. I have moved back to the area that I have always referred to as my home. The area that my father lives in and I have some great and crazy memories of. Never growing up did I ever think I would want to live in this area, but I do. It may not be the best place in the world but it is my place of comfort. I am happier now then I have ever been and it is thanks to my boyfriend Nic he is amazing. All of this greatness in my life has a shadow in the background thou. I moved on with my life and in the wake of all this I lost a very dear friend. He died and I feel like I should have did more for him, to help him out of the rut he had gotten himself in. I keep beating myself up thinking of all the "what ifs" but none of that will bring him back. So I decided to write about it and hopefully relieve myself of some of this guilt I feel. Deep down I know none of it was my fault but I have always been the person that beats themselves up over the "what ifs". After my friends memorial service I went out with friends thinking that would make me feel better but it didn't. I just wish I would have went home and been alone with my boyfriend. I had a good time going out but the whole time I was thinking "I shouldn't be having fun I should be grieving my loss". I will never make that mistake again. That "fun" night is forever remembered with the death of my friend and the tears I shed that day.  I have friends I really do and I know they have the best intentions in mind when they try to help me but it doesn't always work out that way. All their hugs and warm sentiments don't help me with my problems. My Friends are always there for me when I need them but they don't know how to not be there when I don't need them. I bet you any money they will take this whole thing as an insult and be worried I am mad at them in one way or another. They are too sensitive. I am far from sensitive. I believe in tough love and telling people like it is. I also adore my alone time (which my friends like to intrude on most times). I am different that's the only way I can describe it and people have a hard time understanding my actions. Enough about my friends............. Everyone just need to know I am happy with my life and I know how to take care of myself. Space is what I need and it is what I have here. I do not run from my problems because all my problems have followed me but I have a new perspective on them and it looks so much more manageable from here. So until next time stay cool and leave me some comments people google+ is not the enemy lol.

Ups and Downs of Friendship

I have very few friends for very good reasons, but having very few friends means when someone dies or moves away you have even less. I don't trust easily or let people in without really getting to know them and even then I am not completely an open book. I don't make friends easily. The friends I have I have known for years, A LOT of years. We go thru ups and downs together and I am grateful for my friends because I am not an easy person to deal with. I am honest but sometimes my honesty comes off rude and judging. I don't judge everyone has the right to make their own decisions but if you ask my opinion about something I tell you exactly how I feel about it. Sometimes my opinion causes fights between my friends and myself but we never fight for long. I am always there for my friends and they are considered family in my eyes, but if you fuck me over too many times I will tell you were to go and forgiving I may do easy but getting my trust back is another thing. When I say I am done with someone that's it. That means I gave you countless times to make it up to me and all you have done is dug your grave. I am not a nice person I am also hard on people. That's because I feel people don't learn from kindness people need that firm hand in life that will be brutally honest with them and I have no problem filling those shoes. No one ever babied me nothing was ever handed to me and I feel like I'm a stronger person for that. People that have had everything handed to them don't know how to live on their own (truly on there own). I'm not saying these people haven't went thru hard times I'm saying that when life gets hard they turn to others to make it easier. Most my friends are like this and they don't even realize it. All my friends have went thru hard times in one way or another, I mean harder situations then most people could handle, they are all strong in their own ways. All my friends are helpful to me in one way or another. I feel like I am the mother type to my friends. I am the one that tells them that was a stupid idea while I let them cry it off on my shoulder. So as hard on my friends as I am they know I care and that I am the way I am and it all makes sense in the end. I'm not a religious person by know means (some of my friends are) yet I believe in astrology and I believe no matter what religion you are YOU have the power to change things. No matter what "GOD" you may or may not believe in we should all be understanding to each others beliefs. How does this have anything to do with my friends you may ask well my friends and I are of all different backgrounds and yet we never fight about religion, race, sexual preference, or any other thing that keeps people separated. We are who we are and we just accept each other as we are. Family isn't always blood it is love for people that may be different then you and that not mattering. So to all the people I call my true friends I love you and thank you for dealing with my crazy all these years. 

I Don't Handle Loss Well

I LOST MY FRIEND TODAY! 

R.I.P. Darrick Flippo

I lost my friend today and I don't know what to do. I have not cried yet only because I have kept myself busy and kept my mind off it. But the day will come and I will break down. I don't think people understood how much I cared for Darrick. He was my friend but there was more to us only he understood it so it is pointless to explain it. It wasn't romantic love but it wasn't like brother sister either. It was more then all that. Oh well I don't like talking about all this so I'm gonna end this by saying........... Whatever is on the other side for us I know I will see you there because only a place full of my friends would I want to be. See you in the next life. Love you my dear friend!

If you want to help fund his funeral please click the link below or share it with others thank you so much for any support

Final arrangements