The scar

Loneliness is like a scar it's always there to remind u that it will happen again. Love and happiness are intense at first but they fade and their potency lessens over time and then the dramatic feelings of worry and loneliness rush back like water threatening to drown you in your own life's problems. No matter how hard you cling to the love and happiness it slips thru your fingers you don't even see it happening until it's too late. That scar of loneliness haunts u and rears its ugly head in your weakest moments in life. As you worry about things it lingers waiting for you to break.

I try to make my loved ones happy but I fail over and over. My biggest problem is I have a picture in my head of how I want things to be but I can never get my real life to look like that happy picture. I'm at the point in my life where I just want to give up on ever having the life I want. Maybe my happy ending wasn't ment to be.

A Glimpse in My Head

My thoughts run wild I worry when I shouldn't I insist people verbalize how they feel to me. My mind is a weird place to be especially when all the little things I hold in build into a crazy monster and take over my whole life for a few days. Sometimes I hate being able to read people because when there is something wrong with them I automatically think it is something I have done and I feel I need to fix it. I want to be happy and normal but that will never happen. I will have those days that I just want to cry my eyes out alone in my room. I put on a strong face for the world to see I don't like the world to know that things get to me. Well you can know things get to me but I won't let you see what or when they do. I am proud of being a strong woman and no one needs to see me cry. Life is a struggle when you are always fighting with your own thoughts and worries but I manage I still make sure my kids are taken care of  and my home is clean. I don't consider myself depressed I'm just me and this is how I am. Living with the way I am is my choice and I handle things my own way. I love my family and I only care about keeping them happy the rest of the world can Fuck off for all I care. I have friends I consider family and my boyfriends family is included too. The worse part of being they way I am is after I have my down days it is hard for me to go back to normal I feel like everyone I love doesn't feel the same for me after they see me that way. It is a hard feeling to shake. I just hope they all understand the way I am and accept me for me. I know there are ups and downs in life and I accept and deal with them as they come as best as I can. I just hope that my loved ones will stay by my side and not think of me differently after the ups and downs of life happen. I am happier today with the direction of my life then I have ever been before. I am not saying that my life is easier now or that I don't have problems. I am just happier with the people in my life and the promise of the future to come. It is a hard thing for me to be optimistic because I am a negative person most the time but I am optimistic about my future and I will fight to stay that way. I am fighting with myself about posting this for the world to see. A large part of me wants to delete this whole thing and pretend I never even thought about posting something so reveling about myself but I want to show that I am strong enough to man up to the "crazy" person I am proud of being. So comments are welcome and until next time my lovely readers Peace Out!

I'm Crazy

I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or tell me I;m not crazy. I know I am crazy I feel everyone is a little crazy in their own way. I live in this fantasy of how I think things should be and how they actually are. Everyone wants their happily ever after but no one told you that you will have to work your ass off to get it. I'm happy with where my life is right now, is it perfect, no not at all. I have bills I can't pay and my kids can be brats most the time but I love my kids and my boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriend, I am so in love with my boyfriend but I worry 24/7 that I am gonna loose him. See my happily ever after is a little askew. Worry is a major part of why I know I'm crazy I worry about things more then most people do. I feel that I need to know whats going on with everyone around me. Not in a gossip kind of way, I just need control and when things are not under my control I feel a little stressed. I love my family and I love having them around me but I get stressed out easily when things don't go as planned most the time I hold my composure but sometimes I loose it and can't hold my cool. I'm just happy I have friends and family that stick around even after they see me loose my cool and look like a crazy person. Back to my worrying, I worry about things all the time they eat away at me. Nothing is guaranteed in this world. I know worrying about things wont make it any better and believe me I am working hard on not worrying about things that are out of my hands and just enjoy the here and now. This is a hard task for me especially when it has to do with relationships. The happier I am the more worried I seem to be. For example I have never loved someone as much as Nic (I know you are thinking "OMG shut up about your man already" but this is the best description for my worry) yet I worry all the time that I'm not good enough for him and that when he finds a girl better then me my whole world will come crumbling down and I'll loose him forever. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever I just have this worry in the back of my head that eats away at me until I start thinking it may happen. I also worry that I'm not a good enough parent I try my hardest to do what I can for my kids yet I feel like its never enough. (That may be a fear of most parents lol) Life is just full of worries for me yet I don't let those worries stop me from getting and doing the things I want. If I let this stop me from doing or having all these things then I wouldn't have a life. I want to live my life to the fullest. This means my life will be full of failures and disappointments but also great adventures and amazing moments and memories. Think of it this way what if you could meet your true love I mean the love of your life your soul mate, but the catch is you can only spend one year together before they would die. Would you still want to meet that person? I know I would because that would be the best year of my life and ever moment we spend together will stay with me forever and the worry of loosing that person wouldn't matter in those moments. The fear and worry I have suck but I wouldn't give up anything in my life because of that worry or fear. I love all my family and friends and hope you all do the amazing things that scare you and make you worry because I know I will and am. well until next time Peace Out!