A Glimpse in My Head

My thoughts run wild I worry when I shouldn't I insist people verbalize how they feel to me. My mind is a weird place to be especially when all the little things I hold in build into a crazy monster and take over my whole life for a few days. Sometimes I hate being able to read people because when there is something wrong with them I automatically think it is something I have done and I feel I need to fix it. I want to be happy and normal but that will never happen. I will have those days that I just want to cry my eyes out alone in my room. I put on a strong face for the world to see I don't like the world to know that things get to me. Well you can know things get to me but I won't let you see what or when they do. I am proud of being a strong woman and no one needs to see me cry. Life is a struggle when you are always fighting with your own thoughts and worries but I manage I still make sure my kids are taken care of  and my home is clean. I don't consider myself depressed I'm just me and this is how I am. Living with the way I am is my choice and I handle things my own way. I love my family and I only care about keeping them happy the rest of the world can Fuck off for all I care. I have friends I consider family and my boyfriends family is included too. The worse part of being they way I am is after I have my down days it is hard for me to go back to normal I feel like everyone I love doesn't feel the same for me after they see me that way. It is a hard feeling to shake. I just hope they all understand the way I am and accept me for me. I know there are ups and downs in life and I accept and deal with them as they come as best as I can. I just hope that my loved ones will stay by my side and not think of me differently after the ups and downs of life happen. I am happier today with the direction of my life then I have ever been before. I am not saying that my life is easier now or that I don't have problems. I am just happier with the people in my life and the promise of the future to come. It is a hard thing for me to be optimistic because I am a negative person most the time but I am optimistic about my future and I will fight to stay that way. I am fighting with myself about posting this for the world to see. A large part of me wants to delete this whole thing and pretend I never even thought about posting something so reveling about myself but I want to show that I am strong enough to man up to the "crazy" person I am proud of being. So comments are welcome and until next time my lovely readers Peace Out!

Bridges A Flame

My last blog might have been a little hurtful to some people. I want you all to know I no longer will be handing out advice to those I don't think can handle it. So I hope you the best in your lives and I hope the lies the fake people in your live give you make you happy. I am happy with my life and I am happy to say I found the one person in the world that truly loves me for me and I love him for him. I hope all my friends the same happiness in their lives no matter what they need to get it. I just want everyone to know that I tried my best for many years to be a honest friend that would tell you like it is even if that may hurt you. Does that sound like a bad or good thing to you? Well if you are the one that said it was a bad thing you are in luck because I am done giving you my unwanted advice and support. All I have ever did was try to make you realize that you are great in your own way and that you should never let others take that away from you. I have watched many of you let people bring you down or watch you lie to yourself about who and what you are, and when I gave you my much needed advice and support you took advantage of it or you turned your back. We are still friends but things have changed between all of us. This blog my seem a little dramatic to some but it is my honest opinion and views on everything. No one is perfect but you can only let people walk on you for so long before you can't take it any more. Bridges are on fire and on the verge of being burnt and I have no intentions of putting out the flames. This is not the next chapter in my life this is the end of that story and the beginning of a brand new book. Goodbye to all the fake people hello to the unknown. Whoever tags along I won't stop but that doesn't mean you belong here remember that. Think of all the things in the past that we have done for each other and how one sided it was. I never expected anyone to give as much as me I just wish you didn't take as much as you did. I have said this before and I will say it again I can not continue to help people that can't help themselves. Every time I think I helped you out of a hole you dig a new one and dive in head first. You are your own worst enemy and until you can learn to help yourself stop running around with your hand out. I am not the only person that feels this way and other people will get sick of helping you if you don't grow up. We are not kids anymore I can't fight your battles anymore so from now on only start battles you know you can win. I truly love my friends but like they say"if you love something let it go". You're free from my "judgment" and "bitching" as you so nicely like to put it and if that's what my friendship is to u then why are you my friend? Think long and hard before you comment on this or anything I post on FB because unless you want the world to know who you are and you want to man up and take credit for your wrong doings then don't comment. You can call me out on whatever you want but you better be honest because if you spread lies about me then that burning bridge will become our battleground and we will go down in flames together. Good Luck! Peace out thanks for reading.

I'm Crazy

I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or tell me I;m not crazy. I know I am crazy I feel everyone is a little crazy in their own way. I live in this fantasy of how I think things should be and how they actually are. Everyone wants their happily ever after but no one told you that you will have to work your ass off to get it. I'm happy with where my life is right now, is it perfect, no not at all. I have bills I can't pay and my kids can be brats most the time but I love my kids and my boyfriend. Speaking of boyfriend, I am so in love with my boyfriend but I worry 24/7 that I am gonna loose him. See my happily ever after is a little askew. Worry is a major part of why I know I'm crazy I worry about things more then most people do. I feel that I need to know whats going on with everyone around me. Not in a gossip kind of way, I just need control and when things are not under my control I feel a little stressed. I love my family and I love having them around me but I get stressed out easily when things don't go as planned most the time I hold my composure but sometimes I loose it and can't hold my cool. I'm just happy I have friends and family that stick around even after they see me loose my cool and look like a crazy person. Back to my worrying, I worry about things all the time they eat away at me. Nothing is guaranteed in this world. I know worrying about things wont make it any better and believe me I am working hard on not worrying about things that are out of my hands and just enjoy the here and now. This is a hard task for me especially when it has to do with relationships. The happier I am the more worried I seem to be. For example I have never loved someone as much as Nic (I know you are thinking "OMG shut up about your man already" but this is the best description for my worry) yet I worry all the time that I'm not good enough for him and that when he finds a girl better then me my whole world will come crumbling down and I'll loose him forever. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever I just have this worry in the back of my head that eats away at me until I start thinking it may happen. I also worry that I'm not a good enough parent I try my hardest to do what I can for my kids yet I feel like its never enough. (That may be a fear of most parents lol) Life is just full of worries for me yet I don't let those worries stop me from getting and doing the things I want. If I let this stop me from doing or having all these things then I wouldn't have a life. I want to live my life to the fullest. This means my life will be full of failures and disappointments but also great adventures and amazing moments and memories. Think of it this way what if you could meet your true love I mean the love of your life your soul mate, but the catch is you can only spend one year together before they would die. Would you still want to meet that person? I know I would because that would be the best year of my life and ever moment we spend together will stay with me forever and the worry of loosing that person wouldn't matter in those moments. The fear and worry I have suck but I wouldn't give up anything in my life because of that worry or fear. I love all my family and friends and hope you all do the amazing things that scare you and make you worry because I know I will and am. well until next time Peace Out!

Life

There is a million things I could/should be doing yet all I want to do is write in this blog. About what you may ask, I don't know. I just sometimes get the urge to write and yet ideas rush thru my head until I sit and start typing. Why does this happen? I could be outside on this nice day doing stuff,"what stuff?", I'm not sure because I am not in the mood to be around people right now. I have had a head ache from all the things going thru my brain I don't want to talk about it but sometimes talking helps. Well writing helps because I don't have to say anything to actually get my feelings and  thoughts across. If I try to talk to people I end up crying or getting interrupted which defeats the whole purpose. So here I go I guess..........................

I worry all the time that everything I cherish will be ripped away from me. I know that is a fear everyone has but I let this fear rule a lot of my behavior which I know is unhealthy. I am working hard at making my family a whole and keeping the best people in my life while eliminating the ones that don't really care. More and more I am distancing myself from all the things I have done in my past that I do not want to repeat. I'm done with all the childish bullshit that for so long ruled my life. My family is my number one and always has been. I have a great boyfriend that cares for me and my children as much as I care for him and his son. I have moved back to the area that I have always referred to as my home. The area that my father lives in and I have some great and crazy memories of. Never growing up did I ever think I would want to live in this area, but I do. It may not be the best place in the world but it is my place of comfort. I am happier now then I have ever been and it is thanks to my boyfriend Nic he is amazing. All of this greatness in my life has a shadow in the background thou. I moved on with my life and in the wake of all this I lost a very dear friend. He died and I feel like I should have did more for him, to help him out of the rut he had gotten himself in. I keep beating myself up thinking of all the "what ifs" but none of that will bring him back. So I decided to write about it and hopefully relieve myself of some of this guilt I feel. Deep down I know none of it was my fault but I have always been the person that beats themselves up over the "what ifs". After my friends memorial service I went out with friends thinking that would make me feel better but it didn't. I just wish I would have went home and been alone with my boyfriend. I had a good time going out but the whole time I was thinking "I shouldn't be having fun I should be grieving my loss". I will never make that mistake again. That "fun" night is forever remembered with the death of my friend and the tears I shed that day.  I have friends I really do and I know they have the best intentions in mind when they try to help me but it doesn't always work out that way. All their hugs and warm sentiments don't help me with my problems. My Friends are always there for me when I need them but they don't know how to not be there when I don't need them. I bet you any money they will take this whole thing as an insult and be worried I am mad at them in one way or another. They are too sensitive. I am far from sensitive. I believe in tough love and telling people like it is. I also adore my alone time (which my friends like to intrude on most times). I am different that's the only way I can describe it and people have a hard time understanding my actions. Enough about my friends............. Everyone just need to know I am happy with my life and I know how to take care of myself. Space is what I need and it is what I have here. I do not run from my problems because all my problems have followed me but I have a new perspective on them and it looks so much more manageable from here. So until next time stay cool and leave me some comments people google+ is not the enemy lol.

Control!

I sometimes let the littlest things get to me. I worry about things I have no control over. I don't know how to just stop thinking about things and move on. Once my mind is set on something it's almost impossible to change my mind. This can be a good thing but most the time it's a bad thing. I push people away and alienate myself from the world just so I can be alone with my thoughts. When I do this is when people seem to bug me the most. I don't understand why people can't just stop asking "are you ok" or "do you wanna talk about it". NO! I don't want to talk about it because it's none of your business. So I'll just blog and vent it's not like anyone ever comments because it's so hard to make a Google+ account so that you can. I don't care if I have a million comments or none. I'm not doing this blog for you guys I'm doing it for me. All of this is why I only have a few friends (oh and the fact that I don't trust ppl) and I don't even talk to them half the time about my problems. I have the tendency to work things out in my head and on paper/online. Whatever works right? Lol well peace out online people until next time.