update

I haven't been on here in a while  I don't even know why I try writing in this its like an online journal that everyone can read lol. not sure how comfortable I am with the world knowing my feelings. what can I do now its up there and ppl have read it.so the question is do I keep writing or do I delete this whole blog? what do u ppl think? 

Maybe its me

I don't have very many friends and the ones i consider friends are slowly disappearing. Maybe that's because I have changed. I don't want to deal with childish shit anymore or stupidity. I'm sick of all the drama that comes with having friends I have enough going on in my own life I don't need to deal with your repeat mistakes. I'm like "Holy Fuck" how many times can the same person make the same mistakes before they man up to their choices. I may seem selfish because I'm being honest about being sick of dealing with the same BS from the same people for years. I'm drawing my line. I'll be the bad guy go ahead tell the world how mean I am and make sure not to let people know how bad of a person you really are. Have fun in your fake world of lies. I'm better off with less people in my life. The truth is you changed into an evil egotistical self absorbed bunch of bitches and I don't need people like that in my life. I have no issue cutting people out of my life when they have done me wrong. This may make me look like a heartless bitch but the truth is I cared more then you did for me and I'm sick of these one sided friendships. I'm cutting off this life line you burned the last part of this bridge learn to live with that. Peace out!











Thanks for reading my blog feel free to comment or send some suggestions on things you would like to see me talk about comment on here or facebook.

talking to myself

This blog kinda makes me feel like a crazy person talking to herself. the funny thing is that it helps me to vent even if no one reads it or comments on it. I'm not sure why it helps I'm just happy it does. I so badly want to be happy with everything in my life but I'm not there yet there are a lot of unfinished things and unanswered questions and things that are out of my control. I feel like time is working against me. I get older and all the things i thought i would have accomplished at my age just haven't happened and don't seem to be within my reach at this time. Isn't it funny as a kid/teen you think of what you want to do as an adult and make all these plans and goals but then as an adult you just wish you could go back to being a kid. No ones dreams will ever come 100% true but i was hoping a few of mine would by now. I love my kids and my boyfriend and I am happy I have them in my life so don't take this as I am unhappy with them I am unhappy with myself for giving up or forgetting about the things i planed for myself and not sticking with them. So in the long run the only person to blame for anything is myself. so until next time my lovely readers peace out. 

The scar

Loneliness is like a scar it's always there to remind u that it will happen again. Love and happiness are intense at first but they fade and their potency lessens over time and then the dramatic feelings of worry and loneliness rush back like water threatening to drown you in your own life's problems. No matter how hard you cling to the love and happiness it slips thru your fingers you don't even see it happening until it's too late. That scar of loneliness haunts u and rears its ugly head in your weakest moments in life. As you worry about things it lingers waiting for you to break.

I try to make my loved ones happy but I fail over and over. My biggest problem is I have a picture in my head of how I want things to be but I can never get my real life to look like that happy picture. I'm at the point in my life where I just want to give up on ever having the life I want. Maybe my happy ending wasn't ment to be.

Upside Down and Inside Out!

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do everything in your life is all messed up. Then just as you think everything is going great you find out you were so wrong. My life is good for the most part but it seems like all the little things that are going wrong are adding up and ganging up against me. I try to make people happy and that doesn't seem to work so I decide to just do what I think is right and that is wrong too. I don't know how to make everything just go back to before these problems all ganged up on me. It feels like I am trapped in a glass box watching everything I love and care about fall apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Maybe I'm not destined to be happy and have the things I want. Maybe all I can do  is watch it burn down and hope something can rise from the ashes. I hate not being in control and this is the worst feeling to me. Some days it's like I'm all alone and no one understands me. Other days I try to reach out and talk to people but they are all too wrapped up in their own lives, problems and joys to stop and truly listen. The one person I do talk to takes everything I say so personally that the conversation ends up in an argument or they just shut down and don't say anything. Any other time in my life I would have just thru in the towel and said the hell with all this and ran away but I don't want that now I have this overwhelming urge to make it all right. Like this life is the one worth fighting for. All my life I have been searching for a life and people I really wanted and now I have found all that but I seem to have to fight so much harder to make it work. I guess the best things in life a worth fighting for. I just hope one day all the fighting pays off and my life can go back to the way I want it to be. I know life isn't perfect but I just want less stress and more happiness for all people involved in my life. So to wishful thinking I guess. Well enough of all this. So until next time my lovely's Peace Out!

Oh if you want check me out on Movie Pilot 

Alone

Alone is a word that has a deeper meaning then its definition truly explains. Alone can be a feeling not just the absence of another person or thing. Alone can be the fact that you think differently then others or when your opinions are different then others. Alone can mean deceit from people you thought cared. So when someone says they are alone don't make them feel bad for feeling that way even when you are around maybe it is something you did or didn't do that is making that person feel alone. I am alone in many ways my beliefs and opinions aren't always accepted or considered "mainstream" but I am OK with this "weirdness" and being alone. Being what everyone wants me to be never worked well for me. I was always at my happiest being myself even if that meant I stood out and I had to stand alone most the time. Being alone like that is a good thing in my eyes. If people developed their own thoughts on things instead of doing what everyone told them was "right" or what was expected maybe people wouldn't feel bullied or scared by people different then them. I know I don't stand alone in this but not many around me can say they believe what they believe out of there own choice most of them were taught to think a certain way and never had the guts to go against that. If that's the way you want to live your life so be it but don't get mad when the rest of the world doesn't do the same. We can be alone in our beliefs we don't have to follow other peoples standards. We are individuals that means we are the only one, we are alone. I am not using the word alone in a bad way here it should empower you as an individual to follow your dreams and don't let others bring you down. Always fight for what you believe in but in this fight consider this everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs no matter how weird or crazy they seem to you it is their right as a human being to think on their own. I am not bad mouthing anyone in this post I am not saying any one person is better then another all I am saying is we are all alone in one way or another and maybe it is time to be more understanding and less judgmental for a change. We may be alone but we are together as humans and nothing can change that.

A Glimpse in My Head

My thoughts run wild I worry when I shouldn't I insist people verbalize how they feel to me. My mind is a weird place to be especially when all the little things I hold in build into a crazy monster and take over my whole life for a few days. Sometimes I hate being able to read people because when there is something wrong with them I automatically think it is something I have done and I feel I need to fix it. I want to be happy and normal but that will never happen. I will have those days that I just want to cry my eyes out alone in my room. I put on a strong face for the world to see I don't like the world to know that things get to me. Well you can know things get to me but I won't let you see what or when they do. I am proud of being a strong woman and no one needs to see me cry. Life is a struggle when you are always fighting with your own thoughts and worries but I manage I still make sure my kids are taken care of  and my home is clean. I don't consider myself depressed I'm just me and this is how I am. Living with the way I am is my choice and I handle things my own way. I love my family and I only care about keeping them happy the rest of the world can Fuck off for all I care. I have friends I consider family and my boyfriends family is included too. The worse part of being they way I am is after I have my down days it is hard for me to go back to normal I feel like everyone I love doesn't feel the same for me after they see me that way. It is a hard feeling to shake. I just hope they all understand the way I am and accept me for me. I know there are ups and downs in life and I accept and deal with them as they come as best as I can. I just hope that my loved ones will stay by my side and not think of me differently after the ups and downs of life happen. I am happier today with the direction of my life then I have ever been before. I am not saying that my life is easier now or that I don't have problems. I am just happier with the people in my life and the promise of the future to come. It is a hard thing for me to be optimistic because I am a negative person most the time but I am optimistic about my future and I will fight to stay that way. I am fighting with myself about posting this for the world to see. A large part of me wants to delete this whole thing and pretend I never even thought about posting something so reveling about myself but I want to show that I am strong enough to man up to the "crazy" person I am proud of being. So comments are welcome and until next time my lovely readers Peace Out!