Upside Down and Inside Out!

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do everything in your life is all messed up. Then just as you think everything is going great you find out you were so wrong. My life is good for the most part but it seems like all the little things that are going wrong are adding up and ganging up against me. I try to make people happy and that doesn't seem to work so I decide to just do what I think is right and that is wrong too. I don't know how to make everything just go back to before these problems all ganged up on me. It feels like I am trapped in a glass box watching everything I love and care about fall apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Maybe I'm not destined to be happy and have the things I want. Maybe all I can do  is watch it burn down and hope something can rise from the ashes. I hate not being in control and this is the worst feeling to me. Some days it's like I'm all alone and no one understands me. Other days I try to reach out and talk to people but they are all too wrapped up in their own lives, problems and joys to stop and truly listen. The one person I do talk to takes everything I say so personally that the conversation ends up in an argument or they just shut down and don't say anything. Any other time in my life I would have just thru in the towel and said the hell with all this and ran away but I don't want that now I have this overwhelming urge to make it all right. Like this life is the one worth fighting for. All my life I have been searching for a life and people I really wanted and now I have found all that but I seem to have to fight so much harder to make it work. I guess the best things in life a worth fighting for. I just hope one day all the fighting pays off and my life can go back to the way I want it to be. I know life isn't perfect but I just want less stress and more happiness for all people involved in my life. So to wishful thinking I guess. Well enough of all this. So until next time my lovely's Peace Out!

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Alone

Alone is a word that has a deeper meaning then its definition truly explains. Alone can be a feeling not just the absence of another person or thing. Alone can be the fact that you think differently then others or when your opinions are different then others. Alone can mean deceit from people you thought cared. So when someone says they are alone don't make them feel bad for feeling that way even when you are around maybe it is something you did or didn't do that is making that person feel alone. I am alone in many ways my beliefs and opinions aren't always accepted or considered "mainstream" but I am OK with this "weirdness" and being alone. Being what everyone wants me to be never worked well for me. I was always at my happiest being myself even if that meant I stood out and I had to stand alone most the time. Being alone like that is a good thing in my eyes. If people developed their own thoughts on things instead of doing what everyone told them was "right" or what was expected maybe people wouldn't feel bullied or scared by people different then them. I know I don't stand alone in this but not many around me can say they believe what they believe out of there own choice most of them were taught to think a certain way and never had the guts to go against that. If that's the way you want to live your life so be it but don't get mad when the rest of the world doesn't do the same. We can be alone in our beliefs we don't have to follow other peoples standards. We are individuals that means we are the only one, we are alone. I am not using the word alone in a bad way here it should empower you as an individual to follow your dreams and don't let others bring you down. Always fight for what you believe in but in this fight consider this everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs no matter how weird or crazy they seem to you it is their right as a human being to think on their own. I am not bad mouthing anyone in this post I am not saying any one person is better then another all I am saying is we are all alone in one way or another and maybe it is time to be more understanding and less judgmental for a change. We may be alone but we are together as humans and nothing can change that.

A Glimpse in My Head

My thoughts run wild I worry when I shouldn't I insist people verbalize how they feel to me. My mind is a weird place to be especially when all the little things I hold in build into a crazy monster and take over my whole life for a few days. Sometimes I hate being able to read people because when there is something wrong with them I automatically think it is something I have done and I feel I need to fix it. I want to be happy and normal but that will never happen. I will have those days that I just want to cry my eyes out alone in my room. I put on a strong face for the world to see I don't like the world to know that things get to me. Well you can know things get to me but I won't let you see what or when they do. I am proud of being a strong woman and no one needs to see me cry. Life is a struggle when you are always fighting with your own thoughts and worries but I manage I still make sure my kids are taken care of  and my home is clean. I don't consider myself depressed I'm just me and this is how I am. Living with the way I am is my choice and I handle things my own way. I love my family and I only care about keeping them happy the rest of the world can Fuck off for all I care. I have friends I consider family and my boyfriends family is included too. The worse part of being they way I am is after I have my down days it is hard for me to go back to normal I feel like everyone I love doesn't feel the same for me after they see me that way. It is a hard feeling to shake. I just hope they all understand the way I am and accept me for me. I know there are ups and downs in life and I accept and deal with them as they come as best as I can. I just hope that my loved ones will stay by my side and not think of me differently after the ups and downs of life happen. I am happier today with the direction of my life then I have ever been before. I am not saying that my life is easier now or that I don't have problems. I am just happier with the people in my life and the promise of the future to come. It is a hard thing for me to be optimistic because I am a negative person most the time but I am optimistic about my future and I will fight to stay that way. I am fighting with myself about posting this for the world to see. A large part of me wants to delete this whole thing and pretend I never even thought about posting something so reveling about myself but I want to show that I am strong enough to man up to the "crazy" person I am proud of being. So comments are welcome and until next time my lovely readers Peace Out!